


A Friend.

by Bluebuell33



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: 221B Ficlet, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Drug Withdrawal, Eventual Johnlock, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2019-09-23 05:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 8,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17073920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebuell33/pseuds/Bluebuell33
Summary: Sherlock woke lying on the bathroom floor, he must have blacked out again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first try at a 221B ficlet. Where the story is only 221 words long and the last word starts with a B.  
> I hope you enjoy it. <3

_\------------------_

 

_Sherlock woke lying on the bathroom floor, he must have blacked out again._

_Looking down at his hands, he finds them covered in blood and glass, pieces of the mirror lay around him._

_The voices were in his head again, daring him, taunting him._

_He can hear footsteps down the hall, must be Mycroft coming to check on him. He can only imagine how long the lecture will be once Mycroft opens the door to find him._

_Every time he ends up back here, he keeps telling himself the lie, that he could quit at any time, that he doesn’t need the drugs._

_How did he get here? He was a little boy, who wanted to be a pirate, but he was too smart to make friends and now he was alone, lying on the bathroom floor in his pants only, covered in glass._

_Maybe he should just lay here and let his veins drain out on the floor._

_The door opens to reveal a short, blonde haired boy, a few years older than Sherlock. There was no pity in his eyes-only sadness._

_He knelt beside him, reaching for the cupboard to pull out a first aid kit tucked under the sink._

“Here let me help you, don’t move.”  

“Why?”  

_“_ Because you look like you could use a friend, you berk _.”_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock wakes up to find the boy was still there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't planned to write any more of this story, but my mind was screaming to write angst and I am trying to keep it out of my current WIP. So this happened instead. Again this is 221B ficlet. So its 221 words long with the last word starting with B.

_\----------------_

_He wakes to a steady pounding in his head. The feeling that his skull is trying to crush his brain._  

 _He tried to sit up; his body feels like it was on fire._  

“No don’t try to get up. Just lie still for now.”  _Spoke a soft voice beside him._  

 _Opening his eyes slowly to see a pair of bright blue eyes staring down at him._  

 _The sandy-haired boy sits beside him; a hand resting on Sherlock’s forearm._  

 _The pressure of his touch feels cool against the fire racing through Sherlock’s body._  

“Why are you here?” _He questioned._  

 _No one ever stays. No one ever wanted to be near him. To touch him without an agenda._  

 _He wanted to move away, curl up and disappear into the bed. But his arm wouldn’t move from where the boy’s hand rested._  

“Why are you helping me?”   

“Why wouldn’t I?” _The boy answered._  

“No one ever wants to help me.”   

 _He knows that’s not true. Mycroft tries, but he always runs from it. Runs to the drugs just to spite him._  

 _To cause Mycroft pain for leaving him alone at school._  

“We were supposed to meet today. I asked you to help me with my Bio class.”   

“John?”   

“Yea. _” He replied with a lopsided grin._ “John Watson, rugby captain, whose currently failing Biology .”   


	3. Chapter 3

 

_The withdrawal is clawing at his body. Burning, aching, screaming._

  _Someone is screaming. The voice is hoarse and broken. He barely registers that it's him._

  “Make the pain stop.” _He sobs, trying to curl into the littlest imaginable ball._

  _There is a soothing voice, speaking calm, quiet words beside him._

  “It’s going to be okay. You are not alone. I’m here.”  

  _The soothing voice brings a soft touch to the side of his face, a cold cloth pressed to his forehead, an offered glass of water to his lips._

“Take away the pain or let me die.” _He chokes out, tears running down his face._

“Can’t do either. I’m sorry.” _The voice replies._

  _Sherlock turned his face towards the voice. John. John was still here. Trying to soothe his manic withdrawal._

“You should have let me die.” _He whispered, turning back to face the wall._

  “What kind of friend would leave you in this state alone.” _John murmured._

  “We are not friends. You don’t know me.” _Sherlock couldn’t help but spit back. He moved his hand to tear at the bandages on his wrists covering all the cuts from the mirror._

  “Hey! Don’t do that. You will make them bleed again.” _John grabbed his hand, holding tight. “You need to rest and heal._

  “Why do you care?” _Sherlock puzzled, looking back._


	4. Chapter 4

_\--------------_

_His eyelids felt heavy as though a brick lay across them. He dragged them open, finding the room dark, lit only by a small lamp behind him on the nightstand._

_His body felt sore and unsettled, his hands and arms still stinging with pain. He ran one hand over the bandages on his arm. Put on with diligence and care._

_His head throbbed with a pulsing pain. Why did everything hurt so severely? Would the ache ever leave?_

_His mouth was dry as a desert, what he wouldn’t give for a glass of water at this moment._

_He rolled shakily over to his other side, noting he was not alone in this bed._

_Beside him, fast asleep was John. Beautiful, caring, soft John._

_Sherlock reached a trembling hand out to touch the boy. Slowly, softly, carefully._

_Just a small touch._

_To know he was real and not a vision produced by Sherlock’s mind._

_Just a touch to his cheek. Soft, smooth, real._  

_Oh! How John hummed softly at the touch. Though not waking, just shifting towards Sherlock._

_He retracted his hand as though burned._

_John had continued to stay, even after everything. Saying only that no one should be alone while coming down and going through withdrawal._

_Who was John seeing while he helped Sherlock?_

_Someone else? A friend? A brother?_


	5. Chapter 5

_He slowly slides from the bed, careful not to wake John. Sensory overload. Feelings rushing to the surface._

_Don’t deserve a friend like John. John is to good for him. To pure. To well liked._

_He needs to get away. Distance. Needs distance. His body was shaking uncontrollably._

_Quickly entering the loo, still wearing only his pants. Glass cleaned up from the mirror. John must have cleaned._

_Skin still on fire. He poured a bath. Crawled in, sinking below the surface just for a moment. Let the water drowned out the noise. Quiet, it’s all quiet just for now._

 

_Just let go…._

  
  
  
  


_Hands grabbing his hands, pulling him from the water._

_Landing on the floor. No, not quite, land on a body. John’s body._

_John is swearing. So very angry._

“What the bloody hell were you thinking!”

_Don’t say anything. Why does he seem to care? Puzzling still._

“Why do you stay?”

“Why do you keep asking me that?” _He replies._

“Because no one ever stays. I’m a freak, a drug addict and a queer.” _The last spoken quietly._

 “So?”  

_Sherlock raised his head to look into John’s eyes. There was no pity there, no fear or judgement._

_They lay on the floor of his loo, both soaking wet from Sherlock and_ _John didn’t seem ready to run and leave him behind._


	6. Chapter 6

_John’s hands were gentle as they helped him off the floor, wrapping him in a towel then stepping back._

_Never touching Sherlock in any way that could be considered “not good”._

_Being this close to John he could smell a wisp of scents like honey and earl grey tea. He wanted to lean closer and breath in everything about the boy he could._

_He found himself wondering what it would be like to be held and touched by this boy._

_No one had ever been this close to him, no one he had wanted anyway._

_Victor had always touched him in a way that never felt right. Eager, forceful, never gentle. Never kind. Always wanting something._

“Sherlock?” _Called Mycroft._

_Mycroft. Damn. He knew what Mycroft would see. Him standing soaked in just his pants with a boy who was equally as wet. Mycroft would see another Victor._

_Where was his voice? Mycroft and John are glaring at the other._

“Who are you? Do pray tell?” _Mycroft sneered._

 “A Friend,” _John shot back. Not moving from his place beside Sherlock._

 "Well, Friend,” _Mycroft said, drawing out the word Friend. “_ My brother and I business and I believe you have overstayed your welcome.”

“Sherlock?” _John turned towards him._

  _Sherlock’s brain was screaming let him stay if he leaves now he won’t come back._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the last chapter, I had some people voice concerns that this story was over, followed by them adding they wanted, nae needed more. Well have no fear cuz there is more to come. I have a lot of angst that needs out and lots of ideas for this story. So enjoy this angst filled story of chaos and craziness. Hope you like it. <3

_\-----------------------_

_He can’t leave! Please, please don’t let him go, let him stay._

_Beg._

_Get down on your knees, grab his shirt and beg the boy not to walk away._

_N_ _o not good. Not good at all. Can’t beg. Mycroft will see. Mycroft will make the boy disappear as Victor did. Glad Victor is gone. Can't-lose John before he has even become a something, someone._

_Maybe it’s better this way. Better if John doesn’t know the real Sherlock._

_Bottle this time together up and keep it for always._

_It was only one day. A day you spent in pain and withdrawal. Who would want to remember that? Pain is easier. Physical pain dulls the mental ache._

_John. Beautiful, kind and caring John is talking to Mycroft saying that Sherlock needs someone with him. That he shouldn’t be alone._  

_Don’t want just anyone, want John._

_Can’t have John. Stop. Stop begging in your head._

_Sherlock reaches up and smacks the side of his head to quiet the voices. Pulling at his wet hair to cause another kind of pain. Anything besides the voices._

"See, see what you're doing to him and you think you are helping him?” _Mycroft is accusing John while pointing at Sherlock._

“He was fine before you got here.” _John shot back._

“Are you sure he was!” _Mycroft bellows._


	8. Chapter 8

_So much yelling. It was making his head throb even more. What he wouldn’t give for a hit right now. First Mycroft, now John, both yelling at the other like Sherlock isn’t standing right there._

"Oh, so you think you know what's best for him after spending five minutes with him?” _Mycroft sneered down at John, who was clutching his hands into tight fists._

“No, but I know rehab is not the answer! They couldn’t help my sister, only causing her to almost take her own life.” _John thundered._

“Well, I have been caring for my brother his whole life and I am sending him to rehab and there is nothing you can do about it,” _Mycroft said looking triumphant._

“WHY DON’T YOU BOTH STOP ACTING LIKE IM NOT STANDING RIGHT HERE!!!” _Sherlock screamed, before stomping out of the loo and slamming his bedroom door shut._

_He paced the room, pulling at his hair trying not to scream more. The towel forgotten, he was still only wearing pants and still wet from his bath._

_Turning sharply, he threw himself on the bed, screaming “FUCK!!” into the pillow, as his eyes started to burn with hot tears._

“Sherlock?” _Came a voice and a soft knock at the door._

“Leave me alone! Both of you get out and just stop!!” _Sherlock screamed back._


	9. Chapter 9

“Sherlock? I am sorry. I just.. I will go,” _John’s voice from the other side of the door was quiet and sad._

“John… Please uhm...come in.”

 _The door eased open, John slowly stepped in closing the door behind him_. “Yea?”

 _Sherlock curled on his side, pulling the duvet over him._ “I..uhm..I’m sorry you had to be here and well, see this… I know you don’t know me at all and didn’t really plan to spend your night like this… But well... I am quite able to care for myself. You didn’t ...don’t need to stay…”

“I know.”

 _“_ It’s just that... uhm...Thank you for bandaging my arms and hands.”

“You’re welcome. I am sorry if I overstepped with your brother. I didn’t mean too.” _John looked down, running a hand across the back of his neck._ “I just.. Well, I feel a bit protective of you and I know you don’t know me and most likely never want to see me again. But I couldn’t just leave you…”  

“Sorry I didn’t recognise you at first in my manic state.” _Sherlock looked down, pulling the covers up more._

“Hey, it's ok. I am just glad your landlady let me in or you may have died tonight…”

“So, that's how,”  

“Yea, look I can go now if you want, But,”


	10. Chapter 10

_ “But what?” Sherlock asked, his mind racing as he waited for the answer with bated breath.  _

 

_ “It’s just I would rather stay if that's okay…” John looked down with a sheepish expression on his face, before catching Sherlock’s stare.  _

 

_ “After everything, you still want to stay?” Sherlock could only watch the boy, this marvel that seems to stick around when others would have run.  _

 

_ “Yea... Well, I kind of fancy spending time with you.” John gave him a grin that seemed to light the room. It was like seeing his forever in a person he never thought would give him a second look.  _

 

_ “John… I don’t...No one has ever just wanted to stay... I'm not used to this… I don’t know what I need to say or do or…” Sherlock felt like the room was closing in on him, it felt hot and stuffy.  _

 

_ “Hey, it's okay. I can go. I think Mycroft is still here.” John glanced towards the door.  _

 

_ “MYCROFT! Get out of my flat!” Sherlock yelled.  _

 

_ “Brother mine, I am not leaving until this matter is solved. I can not ignore the self harm, you know this.”  _

 

_ “It was an accident! I wasn’t…” _

 

_ “Yes, you were. You almost did.” Mycroft opened the door. “I refuse to have this conversation through a door.” _

 

_ “No! I won’t go back!”  _


	11. Chapter 11

_ “Wait, go back where?” John questioned.  _

 

_ “Rehab. I won’t Mycroft. I’m fine.”  _

 

_ “Oh yes, I can see that. So FINE that you had to have your arms and hands bandaged tonight.” Mycroft sneered.  _

 

_ Sherlock glared at his brother but said nothing. He was right, how could Sherlock argue when he lay there in bed, too tired to stand, arms and hands wrapped in incriminating white bandages.  _

 

_ “Look it’s the middle of the night. Maybe we could all get some sleep and talk about this in the morning?” John remarked.  _

 

_ “Very well, as no place is open right now anyway. Do try to stay alive through the rest of the night, brother. I would be saddened by your loss.”  _

 

_ “What am I supposed to do with that?” Sherlock growled.  _

 

_ “Nothing I suppose. Until the morning.” Mycroft walked out of the room, tapping away on his mobile. The front door closing behind him.  _

 

_ “Wow, he is something. Is he always like that?”  _

 

_ “Yes,” Sherlock replied, closing his eyes, letting out a small sigh.  _

 

_ “Right, well I am just going to kip out on the couch if you need me.”  _

 

_ Sherlock opened his eyes to watch John leave the room. So many feelings were rushing through his head and heart.  _

_ Feelings he knew. Insecurity. Distrust.  _

_ Feelings he was unfamiliar with. Longing. Want. Desire. Besotted.  _


	12. Chapter 12

Sherlock lay in bed, listening to John use the loo then settle on the couch. He thought back to the first time he had seen John. Beautiful, kind, John... 

He had been walking to class after just acquiring more drugs from Victor. The payment had been brutal as it always was since Mycroft had cut off access to his trust fund and forced him to find other methods of payment. 

He remembered how his eyes burned with unshed tears and his throat felt raw as though he had swallowed razor blades instead of well... just instead… 

Even now his body cried out from the treatment, he had let happen for the sake of more drugs. He was not proud of what he did in the name of getting high. 

The drugs had been a way to calm his mind and make him seem more normal, so Victor used to say. Always said no one would like him without the drugs. 

Still today, Sherlock believed what Victor had said, even long after the boy had disappeared. Removed from his life by Mycroft.   
Again forcing Sherlock to find a new way of getting the drugs. 

Sherlock shuttered before moving his mind back to seeing John for the first time.   
Gorgeous John walking past him, with his blonde hair and dark blue eyes beaming.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank all of you for your continued reading and comments on this story. I really can't believe how much people are loving this story. Thank you so much, you made me want to keep writing. I almost missed putting a chapter out today, I sat down and wrote this in like 15 mins so I hope it doesn't suck. Muah <3

_ He had caught Sherlock’s eye, giving him a smile and small wave as though they were friends instead of strangers in passing. The feeling that passed through Sherlock scared him. He had never felt so drawn to another person before.  _

 

_ Sherlock had always taken pride in the fact that he never needed anyone. If you don’t need anyone then it doesn’t bother you when no one is there and no one was ever there.  _

 

_ Well, Mycroft didn’t count.  _

 

_ Sherlock had watched John continuing walking until he was out of sight. He didn’t know who the boy was at the time and vowed not to find out. He didn’t want to know anything about the boy that made his heart beat unexpectedly fast. _

 

_ Sherlock had promptly ditched his classes, went back to his flat and sank a needle deep into his arm, letting the drugs fill his mind. An attempt to erase the boy from his mind and fluttering heart.  _

 

_ Six months later, said boy was kipping on his couch after taking care of his injuries and staying through the first part of his withdrawal.  _

 

_ What did it mean? Were they friends now? Did Sherlock want that?  _

 

_ What he was really craving was more cocaine, but he couldn’t with John in his living room, sleeping on his couch.  _

 

_ That would go badly.  _


	14. Chapter 14

_ His arms and hands ached and itched under the bandages. He wanted to tear them off. Remove the reminder of his breakdown.  _

 

_ This was not how his first infamous time with John was supposed to be. He was supposed to be sober. He was supposed to be aloof and interesting.  _

 

_ Not bleeding out on the floor high as a kite.  _

 

_ It was Seb’s fault. Seb had told him that John had cancelled tonight, because who would want help from a queer sociopathy loser.  He had said that John was too uncomfortable to tell Sherlock himself or to above telling Sherlock. He couldn’t remember.  _

 

_ Seb was on John’s rugby team so he had to know. Sherlock had believed him because it was all true. But why did Seb even tell him? Sherlock couldn’t see the lie only that Seb was enjoying telling Sherlock the news.  _

 

_ Of course, he had said something cutting about Seb and his lack of... Well, his lack of.  _

_ Which had resulted in Seb shoving him against the wall, ringing his bell quite well and screaming insults at Sherlock. _

 

_ Most days Sherlock would have let them roll off and not be bothered.  _


	15. Chapter 15

_ This time Sherlock had taken all the insults to heart. Let them sink in and make a home in his soul. He didn’t know why he had thought John would be different from the countless other people, he had encountered through his life.  _

 

_ He didn’t even know the boy, but he had hoped and he was never one to hope about anything.  _

_ Hope was for fools and idiots. Sherlock Holmes was neither. Or so he had thought.  _

 

_ He had walked back to his flat with the voices in his head reminding him of all of his shortcomings. Freak. Drug Addict. Self-harming. Suicidal. Sociopath.   _

 

_ No one will ever be your friend, they said over and over. Taunting him with each step. Who would want to be friends with someone like him?  _

 

_ He had fought with the voices of his past all the way home, walked in struggling to breathe, his clothes feeling tight and hot. Stripping to his pants he had dragged out his box that held bliss, quickly sinking the needle into his arm, trying to quiet the voices.  _

 

_ A pathetic, wishful failure.  _

 

_ He was failing at life. What was the point? What was it all for?  _

 

**_Please stop, just stop_ ** _. Standing in the loo, he looked at the image in the mirror, looking back at him.  _

 

_ He looked broken.  _


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you notice this chapter originally chapter 15 but I messed up. This was supposed to be 16. So I have put the right chapter 15 in. So go back a chapter to see what was missed. So sorry!!

_The sound of his hands connecting with the glass, pieces shattering and falling around him._

_The voices laughing at his pain. Drugs seeping through his veins._

 

_Sherlock shuttered at the remembered thoughts of the evening. He lay shaking, wrapped in his duvet, tears running down his face. His head still pounding, arms still aching as he curled into a tight ball, trying to will the memories of the last day away._

 

_All but the parts where John showed up and took care of him._

 

_Sherlock struggled as he tried to keep himself quiet, choking the sobs back that threatened to wreck his body. He didn’t need John to see him crying right now. Even though he was in the other room. Sherlock had put the boy through enough tonight._

 

_His body finally collapsed under the strain of the last fifteen hours and he fell into a sleep filled with dreams of John. Sometimes John was just near him, gentle and soft. Sometimes he was walking away with harsh words of how they could never be friends._

 

_Sherlock woke to light filling his bedroom, still lying in the same curled position he had falling asleep in._

 

_Sounds coming from his kitchen, of someone humming and eggs sizzling in a pan._

 

_Had John left for eggs?_

 

_If so, why did he come back?_


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The soft before the storm.

_“John?”_

 

_“Hey Sherlock, I hope you don’t mind I made some breakfast.” John smiled a soft smile at him as he walked into the kitchen. John was dressed in his clothes from yesterday, jeans, blue button-up shirt and grey jumper standing barefoot in Sherlock’s kitchen, looking like he belonged there._

_Sherlock wanted to walk up to the boy and wrap his arms around him, never letting go._

_“Hey, you okay?” John set down two plates of eggs and toast before coming to stand in front of Sherlock. His eyes roaming over Sherlock’s face, taking his expression before lowering to check his bandages. Sherlock didn’t move, while John checked over his arms and hands._

_“Here come sit down and eat then I would like to change the bandages if that’s ok?”_

_Sherlock nodded, trying to quiet his rapidly beating heart, while John took his hand and guided him to a chair._

_He moved the eggs around a bit, taking a small bite of toast as John sat across from him,  digging into his plate._

_“Sherlock, I would like to apologize if I seem to be…” John looked down for a moment before looking back up into Sherlock’s eyes. “If I seem to be coming on strong to you. If you want to just be friends, I would understand and step back.”_


	18. Chapter 18

_ Breathe. Breathe. He couldn’t have meant it. He couldn’t have…  _

 

_ Oh no. He is staring at you. You have to say something.. Tell him it’s not too strong. _

_ Tell him you like him too. Tell him you have dreamed of him each night. Tell him you like him too.  _

 

_ For god sakes tell him something! _

 

_ Knocking at the door. Footsteps on the stairs. Not one, three people. Umbrella tapping. No Mycroft. Not now. Not again.  _

 

_ Tell John something. He is going to think you don’t care. That you don’t want him.  TELL HIM! _

 

_ “Ah Brother mine, good to see you up and alive this morning. John.” _

 

_ “Mycroft.”  _

 

_ Someone is in your room. Packing. They are packing your things. This is it.  _

 

_ “John.. I..”  _

 

_ “Really brother, do you think this is such a good idea now?”  _

 

_ Shut up Mycroft. Shut up! Shut up! Don’t panic. God don’t panic. He will have more reason to take you. God, he is going to take me, isn’t he? He is going to take me away from John before I can tell him.  _

_ Maybe it’s for the best. John deserves better. Better than me…  _

 

_ “What are you doing? Why are you taking him? He said last night he didn’t want to go!”  _

 

_ “That is not his decision. I am doing what is best for my brother.”  _


	19. Chapter 19

_“John, I want to thank you  again for your help last night...”_

 

_“But?” John sadly whispered._

 

_“But Mycroft is correct. I should go.” Sherlock kept his eyes down, staring at his plate. He couldn’t bring himself to look into John’s eyes. Eyes that were surely filled with pity and anger._

 

_This is better for John. John doesn’t need you in his life. You will just ruin him along with yourself. God he could practically hear Mycroft gloating beside him._

 

_He stood, still not looking at John. “I will go Mycroft, but I get to decide how long I stay this time.”_

 

_“Of course, Brother mine.” The smirk on Mycroft’s face was almost enough for Sherlock to change his mind._

 

_“Sherlock, you don’t have to go if you don’t want too… You’re eighteen. He can’t make you.” John spoke softly, now standing beside Sherlock, lightly touching his arm._

 

_Sweet John. Touching him softly... No, he will move on, he will forget cared for the freak. Maybe count this night as a good deed done._

 

_But he flirted with you. Said he liked you._

 

_You said nothing back. Nothing..._

 

_“Can we have a minute before he goes?” John asked looking at Mycroft._

 

_“Very well. Not long, we need to depart shortly. I will wait in the car.”_

 

_“Sherlock, about what I said before,”_


	20. Chapter 20

_ He is going to take back what he said. He changed his mind. He doesn’t want you. Maybe he never did… Maybe he hadn’t meant he liked you when he said he was coming on strong…  _

 

_ Don’t dwell on the feeling that your heart is breaking for something you never even had… _

 

_ Beat him to it. Tell him you don’t need him before he can tell you first… You don’t need him, you don’t need anyone. Remember this… Repeat, you don’t need anyone. You don’t need anyone… _

 

_ But god you want too… You want him to want you… You want to look into those dark blue eyes and get lost in the look of love pouring from them just for you.  _

 

_ You, someone no one else wanted. You could have had that. You wanted that.  _

_ Those blue eyes staring straight into your soul. Seeing you for you…  _

 

_ “John, there is no need to say anything. I understand that my leaving changes things and you should no longer feel like you saying things you don’t mean. We should return to the way things have been. Where you are the star rugby captain, the popular guy on campus and I will disappear as always. No one will even notice I’m gone.”  _

 

_ “Sherlock, That’s not what I meant.” John reached out, his eyes begging.  _

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all of you still on this sad journey with me. This story has really become something and at some point, that something may even be not so heartbreaking. But until then thank you for sticking with me. Your comments and excitement move me each day. This story has become a great outlet for the angst and sadness that is always lingering in the back of my mind. Thank you for your reading support. <3 Muah.

_ \------------------------------------------ _

 

_ Turn walk away before he can stop you… Leave with a bit of flair… Can’t help but want him to remember you… Remember you better then you were last night…  _

 

_ His hand is on your arm. His eyes are begging you to listen. Maybe you should. Just for a moment to remember the sound of his voice. Save it. Record it to play later. Over and over while you are locked away, dying for a hit to forget.  _

 

_ “Sherlock, please listen to me. I am sorry if I hurt you... or scared you. I just...I’m sorry.” John looks sad. You did that to him. You hurt him. You hurt everyone around you.  _

 

_ Need to get away... Walk away. Shrug his hand off your arm and leave him now. Why aren’t you moving? Why are you staring into his sad blue eyes…  _

 

_ “John...I didn’t think you could...No one has ever wanted this with me.”  _

 

_ Not true. Victor wanted you. But not the way you wanted to be wanted. He wanted to own you, possess you, break you.  _

 

_ Look away, don’t see the pity in John’s eyes.  _

 

_ “I am not like everyone else. Maybe I want what you are.” John’s voice is quiet, barely a whisper.  _

 

_ “But why?”  _

 

_ Could he really? Could what he says be true? What to believe... _


	22. Chapter 22

_ Who is this singular human that seems to stare like you hung the moon?  _

 

_ God, it feels so hot in here, yet a cold shiver is running through Sherlock’s body.  _

_ Is it the withdrawal or the fact that John is staring like he will never see you again.  _

 

_ Must be the withdrawal. Mycroft is waiting downstairs. Need to leave.   _

 

_ “Sherlock, can I write you while you are gone? John asks softly.  _

 

_ “What?” Sherlock stuttered. “You want to write me? Why?”  _

 

_ “Because,” John looked down sheepishly. “I like you and I really do think you could use a friend right now.”  _

 

_ “I...uhm...I guess so...I don’t… I don’t know where I am going though…”  _

 

_ “Then you write me first.” John’s voice was filled with hope, his eyes filled with something that Sherlock couldn’t quite place. _

 

_ “Uhm… yea okay. I have to...I have to go now...uhm since it's my flat... I kind of need you to leave. Sorry.” _

 

_ “Oh right. Sorry.” John quickly put on his shoes and jacket. “Sherlock, take care of yourself okay. Please?”  John fidgeted for a moment then pulled Sherlock into a quick hug, placing a light peck on his cheek before stepping back to smile at him and walk out the door.  _

 

_ Sherlock touched the spot on his cheek where John’s lips had been.  _


	23. Chapter 23

_ Three weeks since John walked out of his flat.  _

 

_ Three weeks since John pressed his lips to Sherlock’s cheek and smiled.  _

 

_ He hadn’t remembered walking down the stairs or getting in the car that day.   _

 

_ He could still feel the ghost of John’s kiss on his cheek even now.  _

 

_ Three weeks….  _

 

_ He hadn’t written John at all. Even though John had asked him too.  _

 

_ Maybe John will have moved on by now and maybe that was for the best.  _

 

_ Maybe he was dating some young, petite, blonde girl, who would be laughing and smiling at him right now. Sherlock’s mind brought up an image of that scene, playing it over and over in his head until tears threatened to spill.  _

 

_ Three weeks in this hell hole, Mycroft called Rehab.  _

 

_ Three weeks of nurses, doctors and so-called therapists bothering him, telling him things he already knew.  _

 

_ Mycroft constantly checking on him, looking at him disapprovingly each time. _

 

_ Maybe he should write John…  _

 

_ What would he say? How would he even start that letter? _

 

_ Hey, it’s the freak that you took care of one night three weeks ago when he tried to kill himself… _

 

_ Best not to open that door.  No, he wasn’t going to write John… _

 

_ He wasn’t… No writing… It wouldn’t do any good.  _

 

_ But what if John wrote back? _


	24. Chapter 24

Found in a ball beside Sherlock’s bed:

 

~~ Dear John,  ~~

 

~~ I know you asked me to write to you while I was gone.  ~~

~~ I wasn’t sure why you would want to hear from me after everything, so I put this off.  ~~

~~ Even now I have no idea what to say to you…  ~~

~~ What do you say to the person you barely know but holds your heart regardless.  ~~

~~ What do you say to a person who showed you a kindness you have never known.   ~~

~~ There are no words for me to say.  ~~

~~ Shall I tell you about the hell hole Mycroft has stuck me in or how he changed my ability to leave when I choose? That I am here until he comes for me and signs me out.  ~~

~~ Should I tell you about the nurses who look at me like a waste of space or the doctors that eye me up like a piece of meat for the taking?  ~~

~~ Or maybe the therapist who keeps recommending I express my feelings and write to people who have helped me.  ~~

~~ No one helps me. Well you but I won’t talk about you to her, she doesn’t need to know about you.  ~~

~~ Sometimes I’m not even sure you were real. Did I just dream about you?  ~~

 

~~ Good thing I don’t plan on sending this. ~~

 

~~ Bye  ~~


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock writes John, But still doesn't send.

~~ John,  ~~

~~ I know you asked me to write you a long time ago and I am sorry that I am just writing now.  ~~

~~ I still don’t know why you would want to hear from me.  ~~

~~ I hope you are well.  ~~

~~ Sherlock ~~

  
  


~~ John,  ~~

~~ I have been putting off writing you because there is no way someone as wonderful and as caring as you could want to hear from me.  ~~

~~ I think about you every day.  ~~

~~ Wonder what you are doing and if you are thinking of me.  ~~

  
  
  


~~ Beautiful John, ~~

~~ The blue of the sky reminds me of your eyes.  ~~

~~ Some days I sit out in the small yard and stare at the sky, thinking of  ~~

~~ your soft touch and your deep blue eyes.  ~~

~~ I want to feel the touch of your lips just once... ~~

  
  
  


~~ John Watson,  ~~

~~ Please don’t write me back.  ~~

~~ I am only writing to say I will not be writing you.  ~~

~~ You deserve better things than a friendship with me can give you.  ~~

~~ Thank you for taking care of me that one night four weeks ago.  ~~

~~ You didn’t have to, yet you did.  ~~

~~ I ask that you find another friend to care for, one that is worthy of you.  ~~

~~ I ask that you stop contacting my brother, he says no to telling you where I am.  ~~

~~ Please don’t write back.  ~~


	26. Chapter 26

_ Five weeks... Five weeks he had been here. Still, Mycroft said no to him leaving.  _

 

_ The white walls were closing in on him, his mind screaming from the daily monotony.  _

 

_ Nurse. Doctor. Therapist.  _

_ Nurse. Doctor. Therapist.  _

_ Over and over and over.  _

 

_ Today, he sat in the common room staring out the window. He could hear all the insane gibberish going on around him… Mostly he avoided this room because it sucked the life out of him.  _

 

_ But today he sat here lifeless...Soulless… Mind shutting down almost completely.  _

 

_ He watched a fly bouncing against the window, again and again. Banging, buzzing. Never getting free. It will die in this window trying to get back to freedom.  _

 

_ Maybe Sherlock would too. Maybe if he banged his head against the window, they could both get free…  _

 

_ He was losing his will to live, to be free…  _

 

_ Maybe he should accept his fate… It would be easier for everyone if he was just gone.  _

 

_ Mycroft could move on and find someone else's life to ruin.  _

_ John could continue living his life guilt-free, knowing he did his duty.  _

 

_ And Sherlock could finally rest. His mind would be free, his body no longer in pain. No more temptation of drugs.  _

 

_ Just maybe.  _

 

_ There was noise across the room, raised voices. Someone was angry.  _

 

_ May.. be...  _


	27. Chapter 27

_ The shouting was getting worst. Who was yelling? He just wanted quiet.  _

 

_ Was it too much to ask for everyone to shut up? Sherlock curled up on the bench by the window, hands wrapped around his head, covering his ears, trying to shut out the noise.  _

 

_ “Sherlock?” A quiet voice materialised beside him. “Sherlock? Are you in there?”  _

 

_ A light touch to his forearm as he rocked on the bench.  _

 

_ “Sherlock?” Another voice joined the first. This time a voice he knew. “Hey, Sherlock, it’s me. It’s John.”  _

 

_ Sherlock lifted his eyes to see a pair of blue worried eyes staring at him. “John? How are you here? How did you find me? Am I dreaming?”  _

 

_ “No, Sherlock. I’m really here. What have they done to you?” John sounded sad.  _

 

_ “Don’t be sad dream John. They just gave me an injection to calm my mind.” Sherlock didn’t want dream John to spend his short time here worrying. He never knew how long John would stay. _

 

_ “Sherlock, I am getting you out of here.” John turned talking to the other person. A girl. His girlfriend? No someone who worked here. Someone who knew them both. Molly.  _

 

_ “Can’t. Have to stay until Mycroft allows.”   _

 

_ What was Molly telling John? Injections, she is telling him about the injections.  _

 

_ That’s going to go badly.  _


	28. Chapter 28

_ Someone was carrying him… Where are they going?  _

 

_ His head is swimming like a cloud on the breeze.  _

 

_ Lights are flashing on the backs on his eyelids. Is it the sun?  _

_ So bright. So loud. Why is it so loud?  _

 

_ “It’s going to be okay, Sherlock. Just stay with me.” John whispered in his ear before yelling. “Mycroft, we need to get out of here now! He is dropping!”  _

 

_ Mycroft? Mycroft is here and helping John? When did that happen? Why can’t my eyes open and everything hurts? _

 

_ Why is there also so much pain?   _

 

_ Wait... what is that bright light coming towards him? A sense of peace washing over him? _

 

_ Like being on a quiet deserted island. So quiet and peaceful.  _

 

_ Just warm sun on his face, hot sand under his body. John lying next to him holding his hand.  _

_ Sherlock drifted to the sound of John’s voice calling to him.  _

 

_ “Sherlock, stay with me, Sherlock. Please stay with me.”  _

 

_ Of course, John. Always. You are beside me on this island. It is only us. No one else to bother us. _

 

_ “Mycroft! Do something!” John is panicking. John shouldn’t panic. Sherlock is right here next to him on their own private island of sun and sand.  _

 

_ “Stay with us, Brother mine. Don’t you leave me. Not after everything.”  _

 

_ Sorry Brother. _


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone still reading this story despite my best "accidental" efforts to break your hearts each chapter.  
> I look forward to your screaming comments each time. Things will start looking up. I know I have said that already but we are getting there. Not this chapter, but soon. <3

_********************************_

_So quiet._

 

_No, wait… Someone was talking, nearby…  What are they saying??_

 

“I am so sorry, Sherlock. Please forgive me. Please...Please wake up and forgive me for what I have done to you…”

 

_Who was there? Who was begging his forgiveness???_

 

_“I didn’t know. I should have but I didn’t. The reports had all been good. I should have checked, should have questioned them.”_

 

_Mycroft? Mycroft is sorry? About what?_

 

_Why can’t I wake up? Why is everything so dark?? Mycroft!? Mycroft, help me. Please help me…… It’s so dark, Mycroft._

 

_Why can’t I open my eyes???_

 

“I’m going to be better, Sherlock. I am going to take care of you. I will do right by you…”

 

_Is Mycroft crying? Don’t cry, I’m here._

 

_Stop, don’t panic and think. What happened?_

 

_You were sad, bored. Yelling at the nurses and doctors. They gave you something. Many times._

 

_Things got quiet. Lost your will to live. To be free. Why? What happened? Something with Mycroft._

 

_Now you are in the hospital? Overdose? Mycroft is apologizing for something?_

 

_Where is John? Wasn’t he there?_

 

_Mycroft, where is John!? Can’t hear me dammit. Not awake. Must wake up._

 

_But how?_

 

_Quiet again…_

 

_Someone is here. Not Mycroft. Can feel them beside me. John?_

 

“Sherlock? I don’t know if you can hear me, but…


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The continued support and response to this story still blows my mind each time I post a chapter. I just wanted to once again say thank you to all of you that are reading and sending me screaming comments each time things get angsty just when you thought it couldn't get any more angsty. Thank you. It makes my night every time.

********************************************

 

“Sherlock, I don’t know if you can hear me, But you need to wake up. We need you. All of us. But for me most of all. I need you to wake up so I can tell you something. Something very important. Can you do that for me, Sherlock? Can you wake up for me?”

 

_Yes, John. I’m trying._

 

_A soft touch. Lips on your forehead. John’s lips, his hand in your hair. Sends shivers through your body from head to toe._

 

_Eyelids don’t feel so heavy anymore. John!  Wait! I’m trying._

 

“Did you know that Molly showed me all the letters you wrote to me but never sent? Why didn’t you send me anything?”

 

_Hand holding mine. Thumb caressing the back of hand making everything tingle._

 

“Maybe, what I am feeling is more one-sided than I think. Did you mean what you put in those letters, Sherlock? Or am I reading to much into them? I would feel like an idiot if you woke to me spilling my heart out and you didn’t return the feeling…”

 

_I meant it, John. I meant every word. I am so scared. So scared you won’t like me when I wake up…_

 

“I was worried about you. I tried to find you several times. Even contacted Mycroft.”

 

_His voice. So soft, so bewitching._


	31. Chapter 31

_ Three days.  _

_ Three days of drifting. Never fully waking to the world around him.  _

_ Three days of John by his side, talking, holding his hand.  _

_ Three days of Mycroft checking on him. Apologizing each time.  _

_ Three days of bad dreams and darkness.  _

 

_ Then finally light.  _

 

_ Bright, burning his eyes.  _

 

_ Than John. Beautiful, kind John, who has been pouring his heart out to Sherlock for three days. _

 

“John, _ ” His voice felt scratchy, disused, rough.  _

 

“Oh my god, Sherlock. There you are.” _ John’s soft voice beside him. Reaching for him.  _

_ Holding his hand, the other hand in his hair. John’s face leaning over him, worried and relieved.  _

 

_ “ _ John, I…”  _ Voice failing. Tears streaming.  _

 

“It’s ok, Sherlock. You need rest.” 

 

“John, I… I heard you. Everything.”  _ More tears. Did John know? Did he understand?  _

 

“Everything, Sherlock? While you were sleeping?”  _ John had tears of his own.  _

 

“Yes, everything. I’m sorry, John. I was scared.”  _ Voice cracking.  _ “I… I ran. I was so scared that you…. That you didn’t really mean what you said to me at my flat all those weeks ago. I tried to write, but nothing seemed right.” 

 

“I know. I saw the letters you threw away. Sherlock, I meant what I said about liking you, a lot.”  _ John smiled shyly. His blue eyes shining just for Sherlock.  _

 

_ So utterly, incredibly beautiful.  _


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Hit a rough patch. Work and life have been crazy and I have had no time to write. When I did have time the thoughts were too dark for this moment in the story. These boys have been through enough at this point. I hope you are still enjoying this story. Thank you for reading. <

************************************

 

“So...Does this mean when you get out of here I get to take you on a date?” John smiled, reaching out to hold Sherlock’s hand.

 

_Date? Heart pounding. John wants to take him, Sherlock out on a date. Where people could see them... together and... know._

 

_No one ever wanted to date him… Fuck him sure, but date? Never…_

 

“Hey, did you get lost in there?”John questioned. “We don’t have to, I mean if you don’t want too. I just thought after everything, that maybe… uhm..”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Yes? You mean you want to go on a date with me?” _John looks surprised._

 

_Why? Did he not think that it would happen??_

 

“Yes, John. I mean if you still want too.” _Blushing. Face burning. Damn now John is going to think your some blushing virgin._

 

“Ok, all right. That’s good, great really. Uhm yea.” John is grinning.

 

_He looks so happy. You did that. You made him happy. You put that smile there. Even with all your crazy, he still likes you._

 

_Throat clearing. Mycroft._

 

“Excuse me. May I have a moment with my brother, John.”

 

“Hey Mycroft, sure. I will just go... uhm... get some tea.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

_John leaves, taking a moment before releasing his hand. Miss the warmth already._

 

“Mycroft?”

 

“I must beg your forgiveness dear brother.”


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience. This fic is getting tricky with being such short chapters and ending in a b word. ugh. But I am getting there. Plus writing happier stuff is harder for me right now. Not sure why. Hope you enjoy.

*********************

_Sherlock had no words. Mycroft stands before him, nervous, umbrella twisting on the floor._

 

“Forgiveness for what, Mycroft? Putting me in there and leaving me to rot? Or for something else. There is a list, do narrow it down.”

 

_Was that a look of pain crossing Mycroft’s face. Just a flicker then gone. He doesn’t know everything Sherlock heard while he was sleeping. Maybe Mycroft wasn’t faking, maybe he was sorry._  

 

“Brother, it seems as though you were drawn into a dangerous game I have been playing with an unsavoury man bent on my destruction. I thought you would be safe there, but I was mistaken. Had it not been for Mr Watson and Ms Hooper persistence, I would have lost you without even knowing. I beg your forgiveness for my thoughtlessness.” _Mycroft looked down unable to bring his eyes to meet Sherlock’s._    

 

“I don’t really know what you want me to say, Mycroft. I agreed to go there but you promised that I could leave at my choosing then took that from me.”

 

_Mycroft looked up in surprise_. “No, I told them that you had the choice to leave at any time after spending at least one week. I swear to you.”

  
“What do you mean? Why did they say I couldn’t leave until you cleared it.” _Sherlock shot back._  


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick question for you all as I have noticed readership of this story had dropped hugely from the last chapter. I had planned to go quite a ways yet with this story, but not sure if it has run its course. If you could comment and let me know what you think, that would help. I don't want to go too far and ruin this story. Thank you. <3

_ *************************************** _

_ Sherlock was reeling at the information his brother had just laid on him. He could have left that place weeks ago. He could have been free. _

 

_ Mycroft currently on the phone with the rehab and from his tone, things were not good. He paced the room, throwing glances at Sherlock every few steps.  _

 

_ Sherlock just wanted out of this hospital, away from white walls, nurses and doctors. He had enough of all of them over the past 2 months. He wanted to be back in his cosy flat, surrounded by his books and experiments. Maybe even John.  _

 

_ Where had John gone? He had been gone a long time. Maybe he left??  _

 

_ Sherlock tried not to let his mind run free with ideas that John had once more changed his mind. What was wrong with him. When did he become so dependent on another person?  _

 

_ Sherlock reached up to hold his head and close his eyes to the bright lights. He just wanted to get out of here. He slowly opened his eyes, turning to where Mycroft was still pacing only to find John standing in a half-opened door.  _

 

“Hey, is this alright?” John questioned, pointing towards where Mycroft stood. 

 

“You can come in.” Sherlock gestured for him to enter. 

 

“How are you feeling?” John whispered, stopping next to the bed. 


	35. Chapter 35

_ Home. So glad to be home. Seventeen stairs to reach his cosy flat.  _

_ Seventeen steps with a hand held tight in his.   _

_ Seventeen steps.  _

 

_ Last time they had been here, Sherlock had been less than himself.  _

_ How John had ever liked him after that night, he would never know.  _

_ But like him, he did. John missed a moment to tell him.  _

 

_ Now they were going home. Well, Sherlock’s home. John’s soon if Sherlock had anything to do with it.  _

 

_ Sherlock thought about the conversation at the hospital.  _

_ John telling Sherlock that Mycroft had asked him to watch over him and how  _

_ John had turned down the offered money.  _

_ Saying he would never do that, but he would gladly be there for Sherlock. _

 

_ Now here they were holding hands, carrying takeaway up the stairs to celebrate Sherlock’s return proper like.   _

 

_ Sherlock wondered if this was considered a date? Were they dating now? Maybe he should ask? Best not to leave anything to chance anymore.  _

 

John was bringing plates from the kitchen to join Sherlock on the couch when Sherlock gained his courage to ask. 

 

“John? Is this considered a date? What we are doing here?” 

 

John smiled. “Yes, Sweetheart. Though this would be a bit of a low key date, you still need lots of rest yet.” 

 

“Then what?” Sherlock smiled back. 


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you all for your continued love and support for this story. As of right now, there will be at least one more chapter, which is already written and waiting for approval from my trusty bestie. I really can't thank you enough for all the great comments you have left through the journey of this fic. It has not been an easy one by any means. So thank you again from the bottom of my heart and enjoy this chapter. <3

*********************************

“Then my love I will take you on a proper date to a restaurant and maybe a movie as well.” John reached a hand to Sherlock’s cheek, gentle sliding his thumb across Sherlock’s cheek. 

 

_ So many terms of endearment in such a short time. They seem to just roll off John’s tongue. And yet he seems to mean them each time. Sherlock’s heart kept fluttering at each one.  _

 

Sherlock shivered at John’s touch, his thumb continued to graze Sherlock’s cheekbone. Sherlock decided he needed to be a bit daring. Taking that moment he raised his hand to rest across John’s on his face.

 

 “John, if I asked you to kiss me would you?” His voice faltered as he spoke. 

 

John looked surprised then smiled. “Always. You need only ask darling.” 

 

It was all he needed. Sliding closer to John on the couch, Sherlock timidly placed both his hands on John’s face, drawing him in. 

 

As their lips met, Sherlock felt his body tremble, the pounding rush of his heartbeat in his ears went quiet. Everything was still, besides the feel of John’s lips on his, John’s hands in his hair, reaching, pulling. 

The desperate need for more rushed through him. He craved more of John’s touch, taste, anything, just more John. 

 

“John,” He pleaded. 

 

“I know my love,” John whispered breathlessly. 


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, folks. The end is here. Well, the end for now. I have small thoughts of making this into a series. But for now, this will come to a close. This story started in December as a one-shot 221b ficlet. I had never tried a 221b ficlet before and had been listening to a favourite Blue October song when the idea hit me. After the first chapter, I moved on to other stories. But when I hit a snag in another story and needed in angst outlet, I revisited this story and I am so glad I did. It has been amazing and challenging to stay within the 221 words and always ending with a b-word. But I think I pulled it off. Thank you to everyone who joined me on this journey, commenting and encouraging along the way. I know along the way you had doubts about how this story would end. I know I did. But here you go. I hope you enjoy this last chapter. You really have no idea what your support of this story has meant to me. Thank you from the bottom of my angst-filled heart. <3

_ *************************** _

_ Sherlock could hardly believe how his life had changed. Three months ago, he had been alone, lost in a sea of drugs.  _

_ Then a shining star by the name of John Watson walked into his life and everything changed.  _

_ He felt love, acceptance and for the first time, he no longer felt alone.   _

 

_ He nuzzled his nose softly against the head nestled on his shoulder.  _

_ They say there is one person for everyone, the only one to truly understand and love you for you. How lucky he was to have found his person. All the years of searching for him without realizing it.   _

_ Now, here he was sleeping softly against Sherlock’s shoulder, his arms wrapped around Sherlock, one hand resting on Sherlock’s heart. Sherlock wondered if John could feel his heart beating faster at the thought.  _

 

_ John said he would always be there for Sherlock. What a love like that must be. His own heart beating for the sole reason that he deserved to be happy and John wanted him to be happy.  _

 

_ Never again would he answer the call of drugs, not with John there to remind him that he didn’t need them.  _

 

_ He pressed a kiss to John’s forehead with a smile on his face.  _

_ This is what happiness feels like. It feels like floating.  _

 

_ Nothing could feel better.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End...
> 
> Please let me know what you thought. Feel free to comment here and or on my twitter @Octoberisblue.   
> Thank you again. Also, don't forget to subscribe to me encase I decide to make this a series later. <3 Mauh


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